I don't know, I mean I guess.. it's really strange to finally feel that my own "immediate family unit" has come to it's sense of.. us as a whole with the adding of Zak & Kerwin to our family in the past month. Let me tell you, I do not think our family has ever been so busy as we have in the past 2 months. With so much happening for everyone, and lots of change all around us, I found myself parked on my SL couch the other night and literally staring out the window. I am overwhelmed with happiness and love.
Before I go on, I just realized how long this post is, there is a video to go with it, but many of my family and extended family members are mentioned in this post. I just want to let you know, you might all want to give this one a read. Video is at the end.
The other night when I sat there thinking about all this change, I sort of got lost in emotion. It was after hearing the song "When You Find Yourself" at the end of the movie Cars, that we watched the night I started my pondering. I was about to tuck the kids that had to go.. into bed. I was blown away at how, now we almost all are in differnt time zones. How the kids get sleepy and worn out or run down, and yet.. there they were, hugging each other goodnight, and saying their I love you's, and it struck me deep in my soul. This is really my family. How very lucky we all are, considering our pasts. Each and every one of us has something that's given us a pain.. a reason to seek out each other in Second Life, and when we found it, we grabbed on and held one another together. How funny it was.. all the sweetness and silliness, all the worries we'd had about not ever finding our missing piece in the family. Maybe our missing piece was 2 of them, they just had to come to us much like Lia, when it was right for them. I promise this time.. well both these 2 times, I didn't even hijack any children. We chose each other.
Anyway, that song.. even though the one part about finding a "girl" doesn't fit... it reminded me of myself and how the amazing children and family in my life have changed me. I guess when I came to SL a couple years ago, I was in search of keeping my mind occupied after my divorce. I was a very angry person then, and I closed myself off at first, then I discovered child avies, and created one myself. Possibly because I was lost, and feeling unworthy because of my past. That first 7 months, I changed a lot, adult avies, child avies, made a few friends who faded away from SL. My child avie at the time was going through a transition, so.. I decided I was going to try adopting. Had a couple kids that were around a while, my first family Christmas was in 2009.
Devon you came into my life about a month later. We had a crazy couple of first months as my then SL family was torn to shreds, and I tried to pick up the pieces and hold my SL together. My biggest fear was that Dev might decide to move on due to the drama that was going on. Devon, you started me on this road, where I finally held hope that someone in my life really truly cared. For the first time I think in 20 years, I felt hope. Maybe it's silly, maybe all the things that I have endured really do make me appreciate you, and what all has come since we met. Knowing you has changed me, being lost, you found me, why, I sometimes still ask myself.. why did he choose me? I don't ask the universe anymore why I was chosen to be so very blessed by having you in my life, though sometimes I still do ask myself. I just enjoy every moment. You have stuck with me for almost 2 years now, you brought Skottie into our lives, who's also been with us nearly 2 years. Man have we had bumps and changes. Your heart and compassion has led me through some truly life changing moments. Thank you for never giving up, you will never know how much that means to me.
Skottie, sometimes I still can't figure you out, LOL. Regardless, you are mine :P I realize that your life is really rough at times, and that you have a lot of stresses. I can only hope that your time with us when your real life allows it, is as special to you as it is to us. You really are my quiet pondering boy, my thinker, my little man of the house. Always caring about the family, always saying thank you, and always, even if it's just for a few moments, always trying to take time to be with us. I know we haven't had a lot of time like the other kids and I have, but I have moments that stick out in my head, moments that I'll never let go of. I think the one that hit me most profoundly was when you came in after your Mom passed. I've never been good with losing people, or knowing what to do when someone does lose someone. It was so nice to know that just parking you in my lap was enough. I can't even imagine what you had to go through emotionally that night just going over memories in your head. I felt an extremely strong bond form between us that night, it can't have been easy to go to someone who wasn't the real thing, and need a hug and some holding, but let me tell you, I was floored that you came to me, and I loved every minute of it. Thank you kiddo for letting me be your Mommy.
Lianna Lianna Lianna.. the little magnet, ball of fire, crawl inside her safe place, crazy, goofy, sweetheart of a girl I never, and I mean NEVER thought I'd find. I can't begin to explain the strange pull we have. Even if we're frustrated, or through the roof with ADD, or what the heck ever. There is a magnet lock between us, each half being the key to the other half. I know it sounds silly, but I see it like this. The pull is there for both of us, and also the release. We are very lucky that we both seem to understand and appreciate the crazy close similarities between our lives, as well as lucky that we can appreciate and have sympathy for the parts that are different. You are a sassy little firecracker, who helps remind me that I can be the same. Even in times where we love someone very much, you remind me I am both able, and allowed to stand up for myself, without feeling I am selfish for doing so. You're also a sweet and kindhearted princess, without being a pain in my behind, or a drama queen. Thank you for being the one little girl I have been looking for, and thank you for choosing our family, and for letting us steal you. :P
Zak, my god you are smart, and SO talented. I was in complete an total shock when Devon IM'ed me the day we learned you might be interested in spending time getting to know our family and possibly joining us. My next emotion was one of being completely thrilled. From day one that I met you, very long ago when I first adopted Dev, I liked you Zak. I never really got the chance to get to know you super well until recently, and though I wish we'd gotten to know each other sooner, I realize that we have to cross paths when the time is right for both of us. I absolutely love our late night talks when everyone has gone to bed, we can sit there and just either build or work on things together and chat a few lines here and there, or have complete and total full on conversations. I love that. I also love seeing the quiet shy boy emerging from inside your safe little cocoon. I hope that will keep happening. You truly stole our hearts from the very day you stepped into our home Zak. Thank You so much for being you, appreciating us as is, and wanting to be a part of our nuttiness. I hope we show you every day how much we adore you.
Oh my Kerwin... where do I even begin? Let's see I told you I wanted to hijack you from the day I first met you.. hmm.. yep hehehe. There was always a little spark of something in you kiddo, that just seemed to make everyone stop and take notice of you. I'm not sure if it's the light from within you that shines so very brightly, even though on the outside sometimes we see a small and vulnerable little Kerwin. You are a strong, brave, sweet and heartfelt kind of boy, one who, I admit still leaves me unsure as to if you're frustrated with things sometimes or just joking around. Regardless, you have always had that little bit of something, much like the magnet I feel with all of my kids, that has always drawn us in. Though we knew you had a Daddy, and we were happy that you made such a strong bond. We were always missing that part of you that you've chosen to share with us now. Maybe it's not just a part of you.. but maybe it's just that we can finally call you what we've always felt you were in a way... ours. We don't mind sharing you one little bit, you deserve all the love you can find.. in both worlds. However, you are most definitely still.. Ours. I hope that you finally feel like you belong, like it's official, cause let me tell you.. for me, it's sort of been official since the day you said you wanted us in your lives, we really, truly, love you kiddo.
Mugginses.. ses.... ses.... :P
Sissy... lord woman, you are a turd, and a shining star, the first sibling I have had who's remained my sibling. My sister in every sense of the word. Thanks for all the little things you do, and for the big things too, but most of all, thanks for being you, the amazing wonderful sweet, sometimes pain in the ass sissy I love. Thanks for being a shit, testing me, picking up the small sides of me, giving me a different perspective, being a strong and wonderful Mom, and auntie. I am so lucky to have someone like you in my life, someone I truly believe is my sister. Screw the blood relationships, you ARE my sister. I never knew what it was to have a sister before, now I do, because of you. You deserve nothing but the very best in this world, I hope you get it, I hope you get it all!
Erich, my little head of lettuce boy... brother, crazy, pestering, annoying, loving, and nutty as hell brother. First things first, I meant what I said, you leave us again and I will kick your ass all the way to tuesday sideways! I'm not sure how much, if at all, you understand what my family in SL means to me, i'm going to tell you now though, because you are a big part of it. It means freedom, to be myself, and be accepted as I am. imperfect, nutty as hell, annoying, hard headed at times, but also fiercely loving of those I form these sort of bonds with. I don't give a damn what other people think about families in SL, but I will tell you now, I don't think of you.. or any of my SL family members just as my family in an online game world. I live my life and think of you all, all the time. I am reminded of silly things we all do or say together, and I smile. When sometimes in my real life, the only smiles I have on a daily basis, come from having contact with you all. From having a family that chooses to be a family ouside of any genetic bonding. So Erich, when you remove yourself from our lives, you remove more than your pixels from our lives, you remove your essence and spirit from our hearts. It's not a separation I liked at all. Don't do that to us again please. For all the harassing and teasing we do with you, always remember we love you. :)
Tilly, oh Tilly... Tilly Tilly... ok that's enough of that. Niecie, you are one tough cookie to figure out sometimes. But I am seeing snippets here and there of you, things I feel are giving me some enlightenment when it comes to my Niecie. I see on the outside, someone free and sassy, and RAWR, with a bark, and.. a bite. Protective, caring, sometimes worried. But I think under all that, theres a sweet gummy center that's all squishy and afraid to let too much pass through the outer shell. I see a part of a girl who needs a few things in her SL, that doesn't make you needy, it makes you human. I admit that you test me often, and sometimes I honestly can't meet your match. For me it's deeper and more personal, and I think in time you'll grow to understand. I just hope, that no matter how worried, or scared, or how much you wonder if people still like you cause you can be a little turd sometimes... that you know you are forever a part of us, you are family Tilly, no matter what. Everyone likes you Tilly, and being naughty doesn't take that away, it just challenges us to dig deeper to get to the little squishy center. Believe you me.. we'll get there too, so be prepared! Love You Miss Tillywiggle.
Skyler & Balthi, boys we'd love to get to know you lots more, but we understand life. Skyler, I get small brief glimpses of a softer side of you when I see you in class, and I see a sassy turkey butt when you're off making mischeif with your sassy sister. I hope you'll always get the chance to come and play and see us whenever possible. Balthi, where's Balthi? usually we hear you before we see you, and even that small bit is a happy part of what you bring to us when you're here. Again, we understand life, just.. same deal.. hope you come in and see us as
often as possible. I know your family loves you both, and I hopwe we all have lots of opportunities to bond. I know it's not always easy and we get busy, but, we do love you, so don't disappear on us boys ok?
Juliet, I know we're just getting started with you in the mix, but, it's a good mix, only made better by bringing you in. Don't ever worry too much in this family, just communicate. I'm enjoying the beginning of getting to know you, I think you're a smart, sweet girl. I also believe you have a lot to think about considering your younger siblings and their appetites for mischief. Think fast, stay sweet, and enjoy the nuttiness. And oh... you could jump in a mud puddle or two once in a while, have some fun, and if you ruin your shoes.. come see me. I can fix those shoes right back up. I hope you'll feel as free as possible to be young again in SL and within this family. Love you Jazzle Dazzle!
Noah, my little brother who'se been through hell and back with me. I am thrilled to see you having such a new and happy family life. Sometimes.. when you get lost.. you find yourself.. like from that song. I think you found a lot more than yourself, I think you finally found home, and other people who truly are a part of "yuourself" now. I hope that you have all the happiness in the world little brother. Thanks for being there when it all came crashing down. For listening to tears and whines, for hugs, and the whatchamacallit defense league consortium or whatever that was! By the way.. the answer is no, I'm still the boss...
What was the question? Oh.. will we ever forget you or let you fade away.... like I said.. the answer is no. Love you little brother.
Some names I haven't mentioned here because I am not quite sure exactly yet of what to say, it doesn't mean I don't care, it means my heart is still putting things into the right words for me so I can follow it's orders later and explain what I want to in the exact words I mean.
I love my entire family, not just bits and pieces.
I know this blog post is very long, but I hope you read it all. This month is bound to be insanely busy, difficult, and very stressful for me, and because I am so overwhelmed with emotion these past few days, I wanted to take the time to express just how much you all mean to me, and let you know how very thankful I am for each and every one of you. It's a little early, but..
This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my family. OUR family, MY Family. Thank You all for being very special and important people to me. Thank you for allowing me to be me, accepting me as I am without trying to force me to change myself, and for, hopefully loving me as much as I love each of you. And finally, Thank You for helping me find myself through moments spent with each and every one of you. I hope, that if you've ever felt lost, or if you do now, that somehow in some way, this family will also help you find yourself. When the time comes... Have a safe and HAPPY Thanksgiving. I Love You all very very much.
Love,
Jewel/Mommy/Auntie
